First Rule of Engagement for Parents: “No Means No”

When you say no you should mean no. Do not give in or negotiate. When you do this you are communicating mixed messages to your children by not establishing the uncompromising meaning of the word no. If you say no and truly mean it and are ready to enforce it then it should stand to reason that complaining, whining, and tantrum throwing will not change your answer. This needs to be conveyed to your child by not permitting any negative reactions to being told no. You are now establishing new rules to back-up and coincide with other rules.

Parents are aware that saying no to their child is usually an unpleasant task. It’s unpleasant because of the expected backlash of anger, disappointment, or frustration by their child. Saying no should not be a battle. Often parents will say yes when they really want to say no in order to avoid a scene or tantrum. Some parents never say no or defer to the other parent. The more a parent say’s no and doesn’t waiver, the less they will have to say it. Children, just like adults, do not like to hear the word no. But, parents...providing they are adults themselves have learned to accept disappointment graciously. So how do we teach our two to four year old children to accept disappointment without a struggle or hissyfit? By establishing ground rules and enforcing them. It’s amazing that when we say yes our children don’t ask why. Because it was what they wanted to hear. No does not need an explanation every time you use it. It speaks in volumes. It is all powerfull.

• No means no.

• If told no...whining, pleading, and tantrum throwing are not permitted. Being told no is not a punishment or an offense. It is simply a denial based on a request. Whining, pleading, and tantrum throwing after hearing the word no on the other hand is an offense and should result in some form of punishment. By not permitting any resistance to the word no you will find that your child will stop asking for things that they know they are not allowed to have and you will not become engaged in a power struggle for every disappointment.. They already know the answer will be no. They already know from past experience that arguing or whining will not do them any good but will result in some form of punishment.

Why some parents have a problem saying No

Some parents feel the need for their child’s approval. They want their child to like them as well as love them. Everyone has moments when they don’t particularly like a loved one. Conflict is natural in human beings and is usually resolved peacefully or by force. Every parent would love it if their time with their child could be conlict free but that is just unrealistic. You simply can not expect your child to like you all the time. You can not afford that type of luxury if you want to be a good parent. It is also natural to not like your child at times. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent. It means you’re human.

In my house it was understood at an early age that my father was my father and my mother was my mother and that neither of them were my friends. Adults just like children can suffer from low self esteem or a lack of confidence. Being your child’s friend may make you feel better but it is denying your child the security and safety every child looks for in their parent. They may think they want a friend in you but what they need is a parent. A guiding beacon of light that is strong and unrelenting. You are their rock. You are their island. If you feel like you have a strong need to be accepted by your child you may think about addressing your own self confidence issues and how they may be impacting your child. You may even consider getting help to feel better about yourself. It is way too much to ask of a young child to carry the weight of being your friend.

Feeling guilty for punishing your child can sometimes cause a parent to recind a punishment. Nobody likes to see their child unhappy, in pain, or disappointed. Parents know that disappointment is a part of life and that their job is to teach their children to deal with and learn to accept disappointment. Remember that you are not the cause of their disappointment, they are. They will survive the disappointment and it will make them a better person. Punishing your child when needed helps them to develop a strong moral character. It also teaches them that they are not in charge. You are.

Wanting to Keep the Times You Are Together Free from Conflict. - It is very hard for a parent who does not spend much time, for whatever reason, with their child to start being tough and causing upset. It is only natural that you want to keep those precious moments free from conflict. Non custodial parents sometimes spoil their children when it’s their weekend “on”. Working parents who arrive home near bedtime may find it hard to resist the pleas for more time and attention. Our children have a way of knowing the weak spot, and will exploit it for all it’s worth. To them it’s worth a lot. But giving in or being soft is not in their best interest.

We know that it can be a hard world out there sometimes. At some point in their lives our children are going to have to face it on their own. We meet our responsibilities as parents by properly equipping them to successfully meet and overcome the obstacles they will surely face. Don’t send your precious child out there unprepared.

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